Red Water Mine
by Ensatsu
Summary: Riza and Maes are two ole' Western sentinels fightin' for truth, justice, and all that good crap. But they find something that changes one person's life FOREVER. Lots of action. Lots of stunts. And a crazy grandma. EdWin RizaRoy RR My first fanfic, so
1. Chapter 1

_Red Water Mine!_

_Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist/Hagane No Renkinjutsushi and all related characters are copyrighted and owned by Hiromu Arakawa, Sony, Bones, Aniplex, etc., etc. I do not own the series or any of the characters mentioned hereon, and I don't want to. Instead, I'd like to own a Fortune 500 company that sells nuclear arms to the Danes. All film quotes that might be recognized in this fanfic are copyrighted and owned by their creators and companies._

_Now before you read this fanfiction, there are some things that you should know:_

_Riza and Roy WILL NOT be paired up. Don't worry though, because he's in the story. Instead, it will be Riza and Maes. The reason I did this is because in this AU, the general populace doesn't know and practice alchemy, but it does exist. Since Mustang doesn't have his flame alchemy, I decided to use Maes instead, since he has some skill in bladed weapons. Besides, I feel that he didn't get enough play time with his death and all. So sad. :(_

_All the characters retain their original personalities, but some live in some different situations. Mostly, Ed lives with Winry in a shabby home, **really **shabby. The Homunculi are also quite different as well. I'm sorry if that offends any hardcore fans, but don't worry, as Ed does give them their just desserts._

_I poke fun at all the characters included in this fanfic at one time or the other._

_I'm just making them a little bit more wacky and stupid, like when the military guys run around like idiots. It's all in good fun. Again, I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but geez, lighten up. They're just two-dimensional animation characters. They're not gonna pop out the T.V. and sue. _

_The epilogue featured at the end is **extremely** strange and out-there. If you're a fan of Roy+Riza or Ed+Win, I don't think that you should read it. But, if you like crap that makes no sense and is warped, then read along. Don't say I didn't warn you._

_Chapter 1_

It was a small and dusty town, unremarkably like every other town that pockmarked the surface of the West. Erected during the great migration towards open freedom and insanely fictitious riches, it sat in the middle of the sands, daily beaten by the harsh winds of the desert. Small, wooden structures lined up parallel to each other in neat rows, something akin to the John Wayne movies. They were tattooed with such words as _saloon,_ _hardware,_ _general store,_ _blacksmith,_ and the like. Some weren't marked at all, as they were used for less than scrupulous means. Men loved them. You know why.

People were milling back and forth, busy with their routine. Immigrants, farmers, merchants, prospectors, adventurers, farmers, craftsmen; all sloshing through their lives. Ordinary people, with ordinary notions. Am extraordinary event would shatter all that.

A young girl carrying a newborn stumbled outside of the saloon followed by three good-sized men. Her skin was the color of dark copper, and her hair was flanked with pink at both sides. Total freakazoid there. She fell, then scrambled to her feet and ran. Up ahead, three more men rounded the corner and blocked her path. She was trapped like a rat.

The grizzled leader strode up to her, breath stinging with alcohol.

"Where's my money? You owe me a debt and I want it now!"

"I told you, I don't have it! Now please, leave us alone!"

"Where is _it_?"

"I…I spent it all on the baby."

The grizzled leader rolled his eyes and threw up his hands.

"Rose. Rose. Why you doin' this to me? I had to ride three miles to get to this shithole! _THREE MILES!_"

A guy in the back put up five fingers instead of three. The guy next to him put the hand and had a look on his face that said, _Don't do that again, retard._

"And now we see that you spent it all on your worthless, nigger baby!"

Her once frightened, shaking eyes sharpened with bravery.

"Don't say that about him!"

That spark of defiance was met with a quick slap to her soft cheek. The force splayed her on the ground, sending out snickers from the gang. No one went to help her.

The sheriff just stood by the doorway, locking lips with a gin bottle. This was the McLaughlin gang, and if you crossed them, you're dead.

"_She a bad, bad missus_," sang the retard, "_in her skin tight…._"

"Frank, shut up!"

It was bad enough that this girl annoyed him, but now his gang was doing it as well. He just wanted to rip out Frank's lungs and shove them….

He kicked her in the ribs just to make his point, and then swiftly whipped out his gun. He pointed it to the helpless child.

"NO!"

"Since you care about this crapbag more than you care about me, I'll just…"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

He turned around to witness the source. He heart skipped _two_ beats.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: Don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. It is the property of Himoru Arakawa and all related companies._

_Chapter 2_

Now let me tell you. There are two kinds of people in this world. One kind represents the ordinary schlubs, guys like you and me, trying to scratch out a meager existence, some better than others.

Then, there are the _others_, those that you see on the street, those you _know_ are meant for something else, molded from creation especially designed to do something big. When they did this thing, this thing that was interwoven in their blood, it's as if God came down and _possessed_ them somehow.

The people of Central knew this fact, so they took off. Actually, they ran. One young man left his grandmother to fend for herself.

"You bastard!" she yelled. "I should've killed you when you were born!"

An old man with two canes just dropped them and sprinted like a quarterback scrambling from a blitz. One guy rode his horse backwards for ten miles before he fell off of a cliff. There were lines of piss on the ground. People dove in barrels, hid behind trees, went up women's dresses. History has shown us numerous times that it can sow out a handful of individuals that walked like living gods in the consciousness of men.

Ray Charles could play the piano. Bobby Fischer could play chess. Bill Clinton could grab those interns. But _this_ woman, this woman could _kill._

Her name was Hawkeye Jane.

"What do you want?" asked the leader, shakingly. His bravado was pouring out.

"I reckon that you better apologize to that girl, fix her up right, leave her be, and get outta town."

She was a Northerner all right, judging by the accent, born in the Pennsylvanian foothills. Learned to shoot at the ripe old age of four from her father, whom was a major in the Union during the Civil War.

"Kiss my ass, Hawkeye1"

Rose scuttled away with the baby. She _knew_ it was coming.

The McLaughlin gang all stood in a straight line, high noon style. Spurs were jangling on the ground. Sweat was trickling down many a brow. That was it. Blood would be spilled. But to Hawkeye's dismay, two more men appeared. One was on her left, behind a barrel, cocking a Winchester. The other was on the right, on the second floor of the saloon, fingering a revolver. Eight men. One woman. Surrounded on three sides. Six bullets.

Hawkeye didn't even flinch. The vultures circled overhead. They knew it was coming, too.

"Give it up! Outnumbered and outgunned! But since you're a lady, and I'm the perfect gentleman, I'll give you 'til the count of three before I blow you six feet under!"

Jane just spat on the ground.

"Don't need you count. In three seconds, you'll all be dead."

Leader cocked his head.

"O…"

But before he could utter the _"k"_, before he could finish his blink even, he heard the _bang_ of the .45 Colt. Time itself slowed to a crawl. First the closing of the eyes. _Bang! _Then the opening. After the that, he saw the gun in her hand, six bullet shells careening out of the chamber. He didn't even have his hand on _his_ gun yet.

Too late.

He felt the bullet touch his skin, cold and harsh, before it drilled into his skull and snuggled neatly into his brain matter. Millions of neurons just smashed to extinction.

Blood and gray parts splattered out in ribbons, to make room for Mr. Lead. _Sold and bought. Thank you, come again!_

The last conscious thought before the big sleep was, _She's that fast?_

And then, nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: Don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. It is the property of Hiromu Arakawa and all related companies._

_Chapter 3_

Actually, Hawkeye Jane was faster than he thought. First, she fired on her left side. The slug swam through the air, punching the gunmen in the stomach, blood and guts exploding out. The force of the blast pushed him out of gravity's grip, and turned the Winchester up to a 45 degree angle.

After he was shot, the rifle went off. Up and up, the bullet went, until it hit the sniper's left ear and blew it right off. The prostitute in the room screamed. The ear responded by falling harmlessly in the crack of her massive breasts. A souvenir.

The .45 bullet wasn't finished. It ricocheted off a cast-iron stove that was behind the first guy, turned 82 degrees, and hit poor Frank in the head. He didn't need it.

That all took one second. Three down. Five more.

It took Hawkeye two seconds to waste the rest of the ammo. All found there marks in various bodily organs. That day, they all saw her kill eight men was six bullets. They'd be telling their children this legend for years to come. She just nonchalantly spun the Colt on her finger and sat it down.

"All you alright, miss?" she asked in an angelic manner, after all that killing.

Rose shifted her eyes to the left and let out a gasp.

"Behind you!"

Hawkeye twisted around to see two more men, their guns cocked and ready. She had let her guard down for a second too long. The sound of gunfire, though, was replaced by _whizzzzzing, _and then two _thuds. _They dropped to the ground, daggers sticking out of their backs. Ahead at twenty meters stood a man with glasses, with a shaggy beard, wearing a wide grin.

If Jane was good with guns, then this fellow was freakish with the knives. Folklore had deemed him Bill the Blade, but his real name was Maes Hughes. Being born in a traveling circus had his perks. It gave him the gift of explosive close-quarters combat. But the only thing he loved more than sharp and pointy things was his family, especially his daughter. He placed two photographs on the backs of the corpses.

"See my daughter?"

She was dressed as a Southern belle, with sweet little dimples. The slaves in the background were burning the plantation. They loved fire.

The entire town erupted into cheers, some shooting guns into the air, even though they didn't use them to defend Rose. Yeah. The sheriff was standing there the whole time. He walked back into his office and smoked some more opium.

"Three cheers for Hawkeye Jane!" said old man Johnson.

Maes cleared his throat.

"Oh, and Bill the Blade."

People always forgot him.

Hawkeye stamped her foot.

_"My name is Riza Hawkeye!"_

She hated that. It always made her feel like a label. She wasn't a label. She was a human being. The people backed away. They weren't going to get shot.

Hughes walked over and helped Rose up. Brushed her off real good, too.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, thanks to you two. If there's anything I can do to repay y'all's kindness?"

"Don't mention it, darling," Riza chimed in. "Anything to help a young mother and a cute, little baby."

"Thank you again so much. God bless you both."

Rose walked off, and just in time. Riza and Maes both started to vomit. That baby was the _ugliest_ thing they'd had every seen. First of all, this baby's skin was covered with boils from top to bottom, some of them erupting with lavas of pus. It had seven misshapen fingers on each hand, with two inch nails on each. Its eyes shot out at a right angle, and both were jaundiced and blood-shot. It had gurgled something, sounded like _"blagblag." _I dunno. How can someone so beautiful produce an ugly bomb?

Their hork-fest was interrupted by clapping hands. It was lieutenant colonel Roy Mustang, sipping a beer on the porch of the saloon. Lazy S.O.B. I hate his bishonen ass (just kidding, he's good. Better than that Sesshomaru, with his stupid eye shadow). Next to him was major Alex Armstrong, picking his nose with his mustache. The military just got downgraded.

"That was a great performance you two put on," Roy said, getting up and throwing his beer on the ground.

"Thanks," said Riza, in an almost juvenile way.

Every time he came, she melted to child-like mannerisms. She always wanted to confess her feelings for him, and so did he. But they couldn't get the nerve to tell each other. Shot a whole platoon of bandits, but couldn't go out for ice cream. Maes didn't care. He was married.

"Yes," said Armstrong. "A showing of great courage and skill. I would've taken of those bandits myself with…"

Then he ripped off his top uniform to reveal his muscled form, glistening and shining in the sun. Yes, he flexed. Yes, the pink sparkles were there.

"… my tremendously beautiful body!"

"Freak!" one guy yelled.

"Put your clothes back on."

"Is he gay?"

One old hag dropped dead on the ground. One guy actually did wink at him.

Mustang backed away.

"So why didn't you?" asked Maes.

"I dunno. Didn't feel like it."

"Anyway," quipped Roy, "I have a new assignment for you two from the superiors. I'll show you at the fort."

He bounded onto his horse, as did the others. The other three sped away, but not Armstrong. He was so big, the horse was crawling on the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. It is the property of Hiromu Arakawa and all related companies._

_Chapter 4_

All around them, the scenery of the panoramic view blurred by. Mesas and canyons broke out of the Earth's skin, all oil painted a hickory smoke-red. The blue sky stretched on into infinity, with no clouds to scar it. And soon, it would be occupied by secret government bases, UFO crash sites, and Las Vegas, but who cares?

Up ahead stood Fort Habablab, a simple, wooden structure, with sentried guards outside and in the watchtower, scanning for trouble. As the group rode up, with Armstrong carrying his horse piggy-backed, the sentries saluted, and the doors thundered opened. As they walked by, one of them looked at Riza's buttocks, and gave the thumbs up.

Hundreds of military enlistees were training in the fine arts of combat, all in neat, square rows. Most were testing out the newest edition of Winchester bolt-action rifles, and missing badly. By feet. A drill sergeant was shot in the nuts. The poor man doubled-over in pain, holding his sweet package.

Murmurs were snaking around the base at the presence of Hawkeye Jane. Her legend had stretched across the country. Parents told their children about her many escapades at bedtime. Young men joined the service just to (or try to) meet her. They dreamed about her at night, a lot of them sexual. And she had her own fan club of young girls who wanted to be her.

In fact, Riza Hawkeye had blazed a path for feminism. She enlisted at age sixteen, two years before the requirement, becoming the first female soldier in U.S. history. And for good reason. She completed her training in half the required time, and broke every record for speed and accuracy. Her marksmanship was matched only be Hughes' knowledge of bladed weapons and close combat. So, because of their incredible skills, and because the military felt that they could be bettered used as special agents, they both teamed up, working with the service (and thankfully outside of its jurisdiction). Together, they both blazed a trail of justice!

The men started to clap and cheer for her. One soldier stuck his head out of the outhouse, releasing the smells. People in the brig ran to the bars just to get a look. A mob was clamoring for autographs.

"She touched me!" screamed one man. He ripped his hair out and ate it.

As they went up the left-hand stairs leading to the top floor, she blew a kiss. The crowd erupted, with men clamoring over each other, punching and biting each other just for those imaginary lips. Hughes jumped in front and pointed to himself. It grew so quiet, so quickly that crickets were chirping.

"Who's that guy?"

"Get outta here, ya bum."

"Nobody wants you."

"She's made for me, not you!"

Hughes walked off dejected. Sucks for him.

They made their way down a small foyer, so cramped that Armstrong had to walk sideways. They entered on a door on the left, and went into the central control room. The placed was covered with maps, wanted posters, and the like. Soldiers were buzzing back and forth, barking and gagging up orders, some working the new-fangled invention called the telegraph. Each made a double-take when they saw Hawkeye.

They walked over to a mousy, bespectacled girl working on….something I dunno. I'm not a receptionist. She looked out of place though, with the big, tough men.

"Lieutenant colonel Mustang, how was your trip. Did the coyotes come back?"

"Hello Sciezka. It was good."

About those coyotes. See, a year ago, Mustang was stranded in the desert when a pack of coyotes almost mauled him to death. As he was recuperating in the medical ward, he hallucinated wildly. He saw, or thought he saw, a talking bear, whispering in his ear a plan for revenge. Months later, he discovered the same pack of coyotes, doused them with gunpowder, lit a match, and watched as they exploded into pieces. He became a pyromaniac ever since.

"Oh yes, there are two boys waiting in the room. They said they knew Riza."

She just rolled her eyes in disgust, since they disobeyed her again. Sure enough, when they walked in, there were the brothers, Russell and Fletcher Wallace, picking up and screwing with the various knickknacks. They couldn't keep their hands to themselves.

"Heh Riza," said big brother Russell, placing back an award on the shelf. It was off balance, and fell and shattered on the floor. Mustang ran over with tears in his eyes, cradling the fragments of the trophy. He had won it in a hot dog eating contest.

"Didn't know you were coming back so soon. Me and Fletcher were…"

"I told you two to wait for us at the train," she tore back.

"C'mon, we're old enough to…"

"I don't care if you're one-hundred, the both of you. Now go outside."

"Yes ma'am."

The brothers knew that this was no time to argue. When she wanted to, Riza could be quite motherly and nagging. So they left like whipped dogs, while Roy placed the remains on his desk.

"Roy," said Armstrong.

Mustang snapped back into reality.

"Oh yes, that."

He pushed everything to the floor, and unleashed a huge map on the desk. He unfurled it, showing the entire state of Texas.

"A few weeks ago, our intelligence sources detected a strange event ten miles from here. Apparently, some people have witnessed weird occurrences at an abandoned mine."

He pointed to the site on the map. Sure enough, it was in close proximity.

"There have been an alarming rate of disappearances near the location."

"So?" asked Hawkeye. "I know that place. A lot of people have been vanishing there for years. Let the local authorities handle it."

Hughes wasn't really listening. He was juggling was knives.

"That's not the only factor," boomed Armstrong.

He did that on purpose, to make Hughes stop. Maes was startled awake, and dropped his toys. One fell on the floor, blade down. He covered his mouth to muffle his yell, and tumbled backwards in his chair.

Armstrong continued.

"People have been witnessing a strange, red aura emanating from the mine. Livestock, wild animals, and even people have died around this vicinity. Now you may ask why no one has noticed this until a few weeks ago. Well, this event only occurred a _few weeks ago. _You're right Riza in that people have vanished there for years, but there were so few clues left afterwards that the authorities just gave up. They figured that it was just a crew of bandits capturing people for ransom. In any case, it was ignored for years."

"It could be a spaceship."

It was a younger voice. Everyone turned around to see Fletcher standing idly with the door open.

"A spaceship made by scientists to go to the moon. Like in the Jules Verne books."

Riza just shook with rage, and loomed over the boy, growing rapidly into a giant. Figuratively, though.

_"DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY OUTSIDE? NOW STOP LISTENING THROUGH THE DOOR!"_

Fletcher quickly slammed the door, scared half to death. Russell almost whizzed himself laughing.

"That's funny," said Roy. So, Hawkeye, what d'ya say? Take the case?"

"Don't worry. Maes and I are on it, right?"

Meas smiled weakly through the pain.

Once outside, Mustang continued to brief them.

"Alex and I will be training three combat regiments near the mine. If you need any assistance, send a telegram or something."

He saluted the two. Riza shook her head casually, smiling.

"Don't work for you now, remember?"

"Oh."

He mounted the horse, and then twisted around, just remembering something.

"Oh yeah, almost forgot. The President will be in Dallas three days from now. I don't know if it's correlated, but he might be in some sort of danger with this thing. Its only seventy-six miles from here."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Good luck to the both of you."

"Happy trails," said Maes.

Roy went to full gallop, while Armstrong's horse was still dragging itself. It would die after one mile.


	5. Chapter 5

_Blah, blah, blah. You get the point._

_Chapter 5_

That night, they were all calmly relaxing in the middle car of their private train. Yes, private train. The agents were such huge assets to the military that they were given money and resources, all courtesy of the taxpayers.

Inside the polished mahogany wood and the smooth carpets, the Wallace brothers were busying cleaning out Riza's guns. All one hundred and sixty-four of them. Hawkeye was cooking supper. Boiled cabbage, stuffed potatoes, and roasted chicken. Hughes was in the next car, writing a letter to his family. As he stroked his pen, he happily recounted his adventures in the service: how they both single-handedly fought off eighty-eight crazy bandits, how Riza made a peace pact between two warring Indian tribes, how Black Hayate had humped a cow so violently and hard that it keeled over from a broken blood vessel, and how Jean Havoc set himself ablaze while smoking a cig.

"How's that letter?" asked Russell aloud.

"Good. It'll take two to three weeks for it to get to New Orleans, though."

Russell turned back to his brother in disgust.

"Dammit Fletcher, careful how you clean that chamber. There can't be a misfire!"

"Sorry Russ. Geez, I'm tryin' my best."

Russell hadn't meant it like that. He just wanted to look out for the best for Fletcher. They had been orphaned for years, trying to locate the whereabouts of their long-lost father. Hawkeye discovered them in Baltimore when Fletcher tried to pickpocket her while Russell was "asking" for directions. The old bait and switch. Works every time! But they didn't count on her lightening-fast reflexes, as she grabbed them by the collar. She could've hauled them over to the police, but after hearing of there circumstances, Riza treated them to a fat dinner, on the house. Since then, she adopted them as her assistants, almost as her sons, cleaning and maintaining the equipment, feeding the horses, delivering the messages, etc, etc. Better than being homeless.

"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, boys. I'm going out for some fresh air."

She walked to the rear of the locomotive and sat on the caboose, watching the stars twinkle in the night sky. They were lovely that night, pulsating their heavenly light against the painted black void, seemingly so close, close enough to feel their warmth. In reality, they were eons away from the grip of man. _What if Fletcher was right about that spaceship? _Riza thought. _What if we could penetrate the Earth's sky and jettison to those stars, see if someone's watching us, like we're watching them? _In reality, they were watching us, but they didn't care about us primitive half-monkeys. They were busying building the Death Star.

As she sat contemplating the mysteries of the universe, there was a rustle of grass in the darkness, thirty yards out. Riza heard this, and pointed her .45 Colt in that direction. Ears like an owl, and 20/15 vision. What a freakin' package! As this unknown intruder crept closer, Hawkeye cocked the hammer slowly.

"Better come where I can see you."

"Please, help me!"

It was a female voice, rather weak and tired sounding. Riza walked off the caboose slowly, towards it. Someone could be in trouble, or it could be a trap, a way to reel her in and then ambush her. She had encounters like this, so it was best to let the bait come in. If it was legit, the bait would run to. If not, then she'd start blasting.

Sure enough, the bait came. It was a young girl, with long blond hair. She was sweating profusely, with dirt and dried blood caked on her clothes, chest heaving with exhaustion.

"Please, help…"

She just fainted as Hawkeye caught her. She started to carry her towards the train.

"Easy now, girl. I got you."

Maes was getting to the part where he killed the two in Central when Riza came in with the girl. He stood up.

"Don't just stand there, Maes. Get over here. Tell the Wallaces to boil some water and get the medicine. We got a visitor."


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

That girl just slept for six hours before she awoke. When she came to, she saw a little boy standing over her smiling, holding a stick. No, don't ask. She scuttled over to the side of the couch, obviously in fear.

"Shh, shh. It's okay," said Fletcher. "We won't hurt you."

Russell was sitting in a chair nearby, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. They were planning to do something real lewd-like. Fletcher heard footsteps coming, so he threw the stock outside. Hawkeye came in.

"Well, looks like you came to, sweetheart. You were out for six hours."

The girl looked outside. It was still pretty dark, but soon the sun would rise, signaling the morning.

"You must be starving. Come eat some food."

She got out a dish of some of that good-eatins', which the girl scarfed down like a ravenous beast.

"Whoa, slow down. Don't choke now!" said Hawkeye with a laugh. _We'll have to bury you in the desert, _Russell thought. He had a shovel waiting.

Suddenly, the girl came to a stark realization.

"You Hawkeye Jane, ain't you?"

"The one and only."

Maes ran in when we heard that, and pointed to himself in triumph. It was met by a blank stare.

"_God_, why can't anyone remember _my_ name?"

Hawkeye just ignored him.

"What's you're name?" asked little Fletcher.

"Ma' name is Winry. Winry Rockbell. I've been walking in the desert for near two days now."

From now on, just think of her with a Southern accent. _Twangy!_

"But why?" asked Maes.

"You got to help me. Ma' family, ma' town, everybody's in danger!"

"What kind of danger?" asked Riza.

But before Winry could answer, Maes pulled her over to the side, for a little privacy. He started to whisper.

"C'mon now, Hawkeye. We don't have time to rescue her. We have an assignment to get to."

"We can't just leave the girl out in the cold, Hughes. We have to help her. We'll knock this off real quick."

"It might be too late by then! We can drop her off at a post station or something. Right now, we have to get to that red glowing mine!"

"What mine?" asked Winry.

Idiot Maes raised his voice too loud that time. She had heard everything.

"Nothing, nothing. You heard nothing. Just ignore that."

"I know about that mine. They force us to work there, the whole town. Even the children."

"Can you take us there?" asked Hawkeye.

"First, you help ma' town."

"Fine. We'll help you first. Russell, get the equipment. Fletcher, saddle up the horses. We're riding out."

Maes jumped up and clicked his heels.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

Two light horses clopped at full speed across the flaming desert. It was only 8 A.M., but already up to seventy-nine degrees. The heat didn't faze them as Winry guided them to their destination. If it took her two days to get to the train, Riza theorized that it would take them at least half a day at full gallop. They left at six in the morning, so six in the evening sounded right. Maes could feel Winry's heart thump wildly on his back, ever so faster. She was scared, understandably.

After hours of hiding, they stopped on top of a wide cliff, peering down at the pristine valley below. A good vantage point. Winry stuck her finger out and pointed.

"Its right over that mesa."

"Alright," said Hughes. "We'll get off here and go down on foot."

All three mounted off, after which the agents grabbed their equipment and suited up. Riza had her trusty .45 Colts in the hip holsters, followed by two chains of ammunition, three Winchesters, a little .22 right down on her ankle, and a couple of extra goodies here and there. Maes had a belt rimmed with knives, six eight-inch daggers on his chest, a couple of _shuriken_ throwing stars, and a fancy samurai _katana. _While in Japan when he was seventeen, he trained in the arts of _kendo, _thanks to a legend know as the _hitokiri,_ the manslayer. In return, he taught him Western stuff, like medicine, and the decency of pants.

"Do y'all need all that?" asked Winry.

"Honey," said Maes, "when it gets rough, we get tough."

The agents both slammed their heads together, like Ben Roethlisberger and Jerome Bettis at a playoff game, and laughed like morons. My tax dollars are _really_ at work.

Once down, they walked five hundred meters before Winry grabbed them both.

"Wait, stop. They got guards everywhere."

She pointed one, two, three, four, five, six positions, all forming a bow. Riza climbed a rock nearby, rested on her belly, and cocked a rifle.

"We'll just have to give them a present."

The closest sentry was standing on a high ridge, three hundred meters out, taking a leak. Big mistake. He could be seen clear as day. As he turned around, a shot of air

exploded into his right eye, blowing half his skull out. He fell with a mighty _thud, _ten feet down. He didn't even get the last drops out. The gunfire alerted the others, and three left positions to scout around.

"They heard it," Winry said. "They're comin.'"

Riza got down from the rock.

"That's what we want," she said.

Maes just nodded, and got out a dagger.

One guard with a hat was searching, a rifle in hand. As he passed a boulder, Maes popped out and swiftly slashed his throat. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the other guard emerge at 7 o'clock. Maes spun around and chucked that blade. It went right in the guy's stomach, pass the peas and mushrooms.

Meanwhile, Winry was tailing Riza in a small canyon of boulders when footsteps were heard, by Riza alone, of course. She grabbed the girl and hid behind one of those boulders. The guard was looking around, right at 12 o'clock position. _Too close for a gun, _thought Hawkeye. _Don't want to alert our position. _So she revealed one of her goodies, a fine looking bow and arrow, with an iron tip. The Native Americans had taught her how to fight like them. Sometimes, it came in real handy. The arrow was slower than a bullet, but almost no one could dodge it. And, it was quieter.

She revealed two gleaming arrows, set them on the bow, came out of the hidey hole, and released. Those things screamed through the desert atmosphere, and dug into the man's lungs. Both of them. In the same place. Ironically, he was a smoker.

With two more thugs to deal with, the agents came up with a plan. The two were on sentry when out came Winry, in a very flirtatious manner. She giggled a little and winked.

_"You-who," _she said in a sexy manner. She wanted them.

Then she bared her breasts. Total flatsville.

The men didn't care. They ran like lecherous pigs after her as she walked behind a rock. Blood sprayed out. Riza looked at her astounded as Winry buttoned back her blouse.

"What? I wanted it to look real."

"If my daughter did that, I'd kill her."

Maes wasn't kidding, especially since he was holding a bloody knife.

Unfortunately, the town was surrounded on three sides by steep hills and mesas in a semi-circular fashion, so no one could see it at a distance. Maes scratched his head as he saw the obstruction.

"How the hell are we supposed to get past this?"

"I know," Winry said.

She walked towards a very large boulder nestled in the rock wall. Since it was all a uniform color, it blended in like a chameleon. Winry started to heave it.

"Help me push."

The agents both assisted. With a little effort, the boulder began to give and slid forward, revealing a secret passage. Clichéd, I know. Winry walked down with a little twitch in her step, triumphant.

As they trudged down, Maes was bumping into everything available.

"How can you see in here?"

"I know this here passage like the back of my head. We used it a bunch to move in weapons from the outside."

"So, you have a resistance?" asked Riza.

"Yes'm. Well, building one."

"So, why doesn't the whole town just escape?"

"Cause it would real suspicious. Then they'll try to find us, and then probably _kill _us. They have spies every which way."

The agents looked at each other as Winry came to a complete stop. She whistled twice, then once after three seconds. The wall seemed to move to the right, allowing the light to cut through. Standing there was a giant of a man, broad-shouldered and cut with muscles, big as Alex even.

"Welcome back, Winry. You bring any help?"

She nodded and replied: "The best."

Imagine his surprise when out came the two greatest law enforcers of the West emerge. He almost dropped to his massive knees and wept.

"_Hawkeye Jane! Bill the Blade!"_

Hughes nodded enthusiastically like a three-year old. The gatekeeper ran down an alley and into the main street, screaming wildly and doing a little dance.

"Hawkeye Jane and Bill the Blade are here! They're here!"

When the threesome turned the corner and onto the main street, the entire villa broke into cheers and adulation. People poured out of their homes in streams, hooting and throwing up hats and bonnets. An old man started to seizure. Two sultry women kissed Maes on each cheek, full breasts rubbing against his arms. Good thing he was married. The town preacher threw down his Bible and acted as if _they_ were the second coming. Jesus would get him for that.

"C'mon now. We didn't even do anything yet," Hawkeye embarrassingly said. She tried to stay in stride, but she was never met with a meeting like this. It just shattered humbleness. But Maes loved it. He started to juggle like daggers like a mad clown.

Soon, the crowd started to chant their fake names, so much so that it wore on Riza's nerves quickly.

"MY NAME IS RIZA! RIZA! R-I-Z-A!"

The chanting ceased, and the people went about their business. No one was going to get killed.

Winry's attention was stolen by a young man, calling her and waving. She ran up to him and they both shared a passionate kiss, blond hair swaying past their shoulders, hands wrapped around each other in affection. Riza looked away a little, wishing that that exchange could be hers one day.

"I want y'all to meet Edward. Edward Elric."

He waved with his right hand. There was no automail (sorry everyone, but it's 19th century America. No alchemy. Sorry).

"Awww," purred Maes. "Are you two lovers?"

"No," they said in unison. "WE'RE _MARRIED!_"

Both Riza and Maes's mouths dropped. The kids looked no more than fourteen or fifteen. Too young even to drink. Maybe they were drunk. And here they are, stumbling into full adulthood. The Ed kid sure didn't look like an adult. So short was he! But there would be more of a shocker.

"We got seven kids!" Winry said proudly. Maes belt fell off, followed by his pants. The bullets out of the .45s came out.

"I got her knocked up _real good_," Ed exclaimed. This was followed by their frightening hillbilly laughs. Ed's eyes rolled around like billiard balls, mouth gaping open. He had six teeth missing.

Inside, the seven kids were standing around, dressed in patched-up clothes. All of them were three, and all had no shoes on. They rushed up to Ed and Winry and hugged them tightly, exchanging kisses.

"Was y'all good when I was gone?"

"YES!" they yelled together. Four boys, looking like Ed. Three girls, resembling Winry. Afterwards, they all milled around the new strangers, tugging at their clothes, looking at them sweetly.

"Oh boy," said mini-Ed #1. "It's the Hawkeye Jane lady and Blade man."

"Have you come to save us?" asked mini-Ed #2.

"Yes, we have pumpkin. Yes we have," answered Riza.

She bent down and patted him on the head. Mini-Ed smiled with teeth that was covered with layers of slimy, yellowish plague. Toothbrush, maybe?

Out from the small back kitchen came a boy smaller than Ed, with light brown hair. He was holding a skillet filled with dead raccoon.

"Winry!" he said.

"Al!"

She ran over and gave him a big hug.

"I missed you so much. Riza. Maes. This is Alphonse, Ed's brother."

"I like the name 'cause it sounds French," Al said. He needed more culture than that.

Over on a corner, a withered, placid old lady was sitting in a rocking chair, wearing a pair of thick glasses. Her head was overly too large, and she wore a blank expression on her face, as if the lights went out a long time ago.

"Did you come back with the waffles?" she asked. She craned her neck up, the bones popping and creaking like steel giving way. She looked at them with that voided stare, a bead of drool stretching down.

"This was my grandma. She had a bad falling out in the Civil War, and she's been like this ever since."

It wasn't a falling out. It was a catastrophic brain injury that culminated into an almost catatonic state and mental disorder. Sometimes, she swore that she could tap into the cosmic energy of the universe.

Maes got tired of the family reunion, and clapped his hands together.

"Okay, enough greetings. Time for a little conversation."

He stopped smiling. Serious this time.

"Get the kids out."


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8_

While the rascals were outside playing, the adults got down to business.

"So, I heard that you know something about that abandoned mine, the one with the red glow, said Riza.

Suddenly, Ed, Al, and Winry stopped smiling. Edward had a sullen look on his face, and his eyes grew cold and serious. He had that look he constantly has when he's ready to tap into the alchemy. If only he had it _now_. Now at this critical junction.

"They've been workin' something terrible in that place for years. Entire families have been destroyed in the process, and I bet plenty more will be. And it's all the fault of that Bradley!"

He breathing quickened, tinged with rage, and he slammed both his fists on the flimsy table. Maes flinched backwards a little, for he thought that the little one wasn't capable of such emotional power. _I'll have to keep that in mind, _he thought. However, Riza's face was painted similarly to Ed's, her orange-tinted eyes gleaming with anger. She stood up slowly, tightening her gloved fists. The metacarpals cracked in rapid succession, like they were about to break. One could here them outside. Almost inaudibly, she mumbled the name _Bradley._

In all her years of service, of all the criminals, low-lives, and psychos that had the bad luck to feel the metallic bite of her revolvers, that name boiled her blood the most. _Bradley. _It was once said that a couple of the military boys were standing around aimlessly one afternoon in the office, discussing the recent release of the wily criminal. There was a rumor that he actually bribed the jury and judge in order to get a "not guilty" plea, and had escaped stealthily into the night once again. It was Hughes, Havoc, Armstrong, Mustang, and a few other FMA military dogs all chuckling and joking about how he ran from justice again.

Hawkeye had come in, obviously enraged that Bradley was still untouchable. The gentlemen's club quieted down, since they all knew that she didn't tolerate anyone joking about any wanted criminal, _especially_ him. But ole' Jean Havoc, wising cracking hyena that he was, had to say something. Always one in the crowd.

"Say Riza, did you hear about Bradley running again?"

He fished out one of his trademark cigarettes, stuck it in his mouth, and lit the tobacco. He dragged that thing rather slowly, to savor the flavor. Hawkeye just kept going. Armstrong had stopped smirking. Maes half-hid underneath his desk. They _knew _it was coming.

"Heard he bribed the judge and the jury. Still can't catch him. He didn't bribe _you,_ did he?"

She stopped right there. In one lightening pivot that no one's eyes perceived, the Colt already fixed in her palm, she squeezed off one round, _right at Havoc!_ The bullet rocketed past the air, and broke into that cigarette, snapped it like a twig. It was so close to him that he could feel it brush past his lips. Then it exited into the back wall. Jean's face morphed into sheer terror. His pants were thoroughly wet and muddied now. No one ever talked about Bradley in front of her after that.

Back to the present, she glued her eyes onto Ed, with that same murderous gaze. Maybe she would kick out the rest of her teeth. Instead, she rushed forward and grabbed him on the collar.

_"TELL ME ABOUT BRADLEY! NOW! EVERYTHING!"_

"He's forcin' us to work in the mines to manufacture some sort a' stones. Red, glowing stones. It reddens the water, too."

Now Riza was completely flabbergasted, as she released her grip on Ed. Red, glowing stones? Now it did sound like something out of Jules Verne.

"What are the stones used for?" asked Maes quizzically.

Al continued: "Nobody knows."

"We don't mess wit' things we don't understand," interjected Ed. "They might be used for some sort a' witchcraft, and the Lord frowns upon that."

He pointed to a portrait of Jesus Christ on the wall, giving the thumbs up and grinning. Thank you _Dogma. _There was also a Bible resting on a pedestal underneath, with Christ in His underwear, drinking beer and sitting on a couch. The hillbilly version.

"Besides, mama don' want us to mess with the stones. Mama said that everyday. Mama said that if we used them for evil, then we be damned to Hell! Mama said that she'd beat us till' the white meat shows, then pour salt on it. In fact, she's watchin' us _right now. She knows ALL_."

As he said this, Ed's eyes grew in size, even larger than his standardized anime form. Red veins were popping. Maes couldn't help but bust out in laughter at that, tears running down his cheeks. He stepped outside so as to not get the crap beat out of him by Riza.

"Where is your mother now?" she asked.

The entire room fell into silence. Ed lowered his eyes to the ground. They were watering with anguish. Al and Winry knew this wasn't the time, and comforted him. Winry held her husband tight in a loving embrace, then placed her arm around Al, whom was weeping quietly. She was the only one that had the courage to speak.

"She, uh, passed away 'bout three years ago."

Riza grew solemn.

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

Edward's head lifted a little, staring off into space, his memories of her being re-jumbled back into his mind. He smiled a little somehow feeling her love returning.

"She was a beautiful angel. You should'a seen her, Hawkeye."

Actually, she wasn't an angel, as seen in the series. She was a 430-pound blob of fat that never arched an inch and that seemed forever cemented onto a pancake mattress that was caked with dried foodstuffs. She was constantly shoving that food down her cavernous and blubbery mouth, her quadruple-chin quaking up and down. And she was yelling at the poor Elric brothers, barking orders madly.

_"Boy, you got ma' chicken yet?"_

Alphonse had spent the entire day stealing chickens from the mine's farmhouse, stuffing him into a sack he always carried to the inside tunnels.

"Yes'm."

She snatched up the birds by the necks, greasy grip crushing their throats, and just crammed them into her mouth. Blood was squirting out, and feathers were floating. She spit out the bones on the ground rapidly in the fashion of a Howitzer gattling gun.

_"Boy, this crap is two hours cold!"_

"Sorry miss."

Ed was behind her, his entire figure obstructed by her massive form. Since Mama Elric was too fat to bathe, the boys had to brush her off with a wet broom daily. He was digging in her fat folds, getting all the gunk out. One time he found gold.

_"After you's done that, go and fix up the opium den! I got a new shipment that goes out tonight, and I's wan' it CLEAN!"_

The bad guys came every few weeks in order to get that fresh opium out and released for mass consumption. They wanted a piece of the action. Sadly, when Edward was twelve, Mama Elric's heart exploded in a massive heart attack. Her fat ass broke through the casket at the funeral, and she rolled down a steep hill, knocking down an entire train. No one went to get her.

Strangely enough, Hohenheim, Ed's father, _never_ married her. He had something else. You'll see why.

When Ed had finished the retarded tale, his eyes were wavering and glowing, and his lips were quivering. Maes was outside rolling on the ground, bellowing with laughter. He had heard the whole thing. Riza cocked an eyebrow.

"And what about your father?"

Ed craned his head downward again.

"He disappeared 'fore I, or any of us, were born. I ain't seen him in all my years. Mama said that he's dead, but I don't believe it. There is a rumor that he's workin' for Bradley, but I don't believe it. He'd never do something like that, hurt so may people, 'specially his own kin."

His fist pressed together, and he kicked over a chair.

"Jim Bob, is that you?" asked grandma in that crazy voice. "You ready to play stickball yet?"

_"If Bradley hurt my daddy in any way, I'll break his neck!"_

The tension in the room was thick and foggy. Riza had to clear that up. She placed a reassuring hand on Ed's shoulder.

"Don't worry Ed, we'll stop him."

Grandma shot a bony and wrinkled finger at Riza, shaking it wildly. Her eyes seemed to shock back to life.

"NO. DO. There is no try!"

With that, she sank back into oblivion. Winry was looking around, needing something to break the ice. Her eyes lit up in some realization.

"Say, wanna meet the rest of the people?"

Maes was still peeing his pants in laughter.


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter 9 _

The group walked over to the small, steepled church that was clustered in the back corner of the town. The place was completely ancient. The paint was peeling off the sides of the building, and the wind whistled through the flimsy stained-glass windows. But it was still a vessel for celebration every Sunday, the walls exploding with praise and music. On that day, the place seemed to awaken alive.

As they broke past the heavy oak doors and descended down the aisle, the preacher was sitting near the altar, drinking a Scotch.

"Hello, Father Walker!" cried Winry.

Walker threw the drink down on the floor, and stood up quickly.

"Well, well, the Elric family. I remember when you came to this chapel three years ago and got married right her on this altar. Lordy."

His eyes expanded when he saw Hawkeye Jane and Bill the Blade, the legends in the flesh.

"Hawkeye and Bill! Right here in front of my eyes! Praise God! We'll be free soon!"

Ed jammed his hands in his pockets casually, rubbing his nose.

"We just wan' to show them around. You know. _The tour_."

"I see," he said, nodding.

He walked over to the podium and reached inside. There was a complex system of levers carefully hidden. He pulled one down, and a section of the back wall rumbled open, like something out of a haunted house. The preacher nodded and extended his hand out.

"Want to see?"

They descended down a steep series of stairs, with Walker ahead holding a lantern. The steps were wet and slippery, since the tunnel was dripping with water.

"This place was hewn into the mesa side and descends about 500 feet. Took a long time to create."

"I'm sure it was," said Maes. "You must have something very important down here."

"Yes."

Walker arrived in front of a heavy iron door, which he gave three good kicks. An eyeslit viewer slid back, revealing a set of eyes staring back. It then quickly closed, and the door moaned open. Inside, a private army was scouring about inside a great, cavernous room filled with various weapons. Guns and cannons were lined up on the left side wall, with men cleaning and filling them with ammunition. There were maps spread around, probably with the location of the mines. One guy pointed at the company, and everyone looked over. They rushed over to the agents in wild applause, shaking their hands and patting them on the back.

_"WHAT ARE YOU BASTARDS DOING? GET BACK TO WORK!"_

The people returned to their menial tasks sadly, some kicking dirt like depressed little kids. _Not fair_, they all thought. That angry voice belonged to a woman, resting her back on the wall, arms crossed and face locked in an equally angry tone. Her cleavage was showing.

"Why, it's the Teacher!" said Al.

She walked over to them in this casual manner that wasn't suitable for her demeanor.

"Well, if it isn't the two agents I've been hearing about. Now the real fun can begin."

"Oh yeah!" said Maes. He engaged in a stupid dance, and started to strut around like one of those Russians.

"Its party time!"

Riza slapped him upside the head, then turned her attention to the Teacher.

"So, how long have you been handling this base of operations?"

"About three years now. We have a good force of about 500."

Her frown quickly returned.

"We'd have more if those damned military dogs did something. They always seem to stroll around in their big uniforms with their big guns and cannons saying _'Look at me! Look at me! I'm in the military! Aren't I special?'"_

She was prancing around on her tiptoes, with a stupid look on her face, like some sort of diseased ballerina. But she continued.

"They're fuckin' special ed if you ask me! They always want to _steal shit from the Indian, always taking and taking and taking and taking but never giving back! Are you saying that THEY'RE SO FUCKING BIG TO TAKE LAND, BUT NOT FUCKING BIG ENOUGH TO COME DOWN HERE AND HELP US THE FUCK OUT?"_

Curtis was now drooling on herself, pulling out strands of her dark hair, one eye larger than the other. People had backed soundly away.

_"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT? GET BACK TO WORK?"_

The process began quickly again, now faster and more mechanically.

Maes loved that! He freaking loved that! He loved it when people just cut loose and went all wild and insane! It made life more interesting. However, he spotted something quite unusual on one of the breasts of the Teacher. Of course he'd notice since those things were so…exposed (What? I'm just saying. He's a man, ma' babies!).

"Say, what's that? Some sort of tattoo?"

The Teacher's callous demeanor suddenly melted into sadness instantly. The cavern sort of sank into silence and grief. She placed her hand on top of that mark, that mark that resembled a cross, interwoven with a sort of spiral pattern, not to cover it up out of shame, but to remember the misery that emanated from it.

"O-OH, that? Its just Bradley's way of identifying us, in his sick sort of humor."

"We all have it," spoke Ed. He revealed his mark, as did Al, Winry, Walker, and everyone else in the cavern, burned right in the flesh with a hot-red cattle rod.

"Even the children."

Riza recalled this horrible fact while in the Elric household. The seven kids had that same mark seared in their left thighs. _How can someone be so cruel as to do this to defenseless kids? _She asked herself. A tear almost wetted her eye. But she had to display strength and resolve.

"Don't worry everybody. We'll get you out of this. We have a plan."

The cavern sparked up with murmurs. Curtis looked at her with reluctance.

"A plan? Well, let's here it."

Riza walked over to one of the surveyance maps and pointed to a location.

"Right here, Maes and I have some friends. Three full combat regiments from the Army, numbering some 1500 infrantry soldiers."

"That's not far from here," said Teacher.

"Yeah, here's how it goes. Meas and I will sneak out early tomorrow morning in order to meet up with the regiments. You all keep your same routine as always, so as to not alert any suspicion. We'll bring them at Hide's Pass at 7:30 P.M., where your group will meet us. It's only a half-mile from the mines. Then, we'll travel there, surround the place, and wage war inside. Destroy everything."

The troops went into pandemonium when they heard this. Finally, their revenge would be realized tomorrow night! Ed and Winry held each other and danced around in jubilation. One troop jumped off a table so the crowd would catch him, but they moved out the way and he cracked on the floor. Would you pick up a 400-pound man? The preacher did a little dance reminiscent of the Hustle.

"Praise God! Tomorrow, our jubilee is here!"

"Don't praise God!" said Maes. "Praise _me_!"

He jumped into a wooden chair as the troops raised him up and began to kneel and bow to him in mock praise. Even the preacher did it. Ho, Jesus would strike him down! Hughes, meanwhile, revealed his daughter's photograph and held it out.

"Praise the Hughes now, bitches!"

Riza chucked a rock at him, which struck him square in the face.

Winry was tucking her children to sleep in their one good bed. The adults usually slept on the floor, but it was more cramped thanks to the two celebrities. But that was okay. Hawkeye would stand watch for the first six hours, followed by Meas.

"Are we gonna be free tomorrow?" asked one child.

"Yes, yes we are. Then we'll leave this terrible place and go far away, and we'll eat lots of ice cream together."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart."

Then she tinkled them, kissed them all, and closed the door.

"They're so beautiful."

Winry turned around to see Riza standing there.

"Yes, yes they are. I'd do anything for my angels, but there are some things I just can't give them."

She pointed to a pile of books that were surprisingly looked past. Even more surprising was that the books were on the subject of mechanical engineering.

"My books. I was always good at fixing mechanical things. But I just can't fix _this_. What kind of a mother I am if I can't even protect my own children?"

"Don't worry. You're a great mother. You're children can be proud."

"Thank you."

Ed wasn't having a good night at all. He was tossing and turning, sweat rivering down his face. His hands were reaching out to some unknown desire, anguish cutting him. All he said was _Al, Al._

_He was in a room, kneeling next to his brother. Ed was excited about something, something that he felt could help them. Some sort of person to return. Al was pleading to him about something. His lips were moving rapidly, but no words came out. Ed didn't want him to go, he needed him. That was what he said. Reluctantly, the younger brother placed his hands on the symbol, the great symbol smeared on the floor, with the body inside._

_Then it happened. The room was bathed in this blue aura, electricity spewing out of a spiral that seemed to eat the floor. Sparks were buzzing everywhere, there was so much light. Just light. Then Ed heard his brother scream. He was being pulled into this galaxy like quicksand, his legs now enveloped._

_"Brother, help me."_

_Ed reached out to grab his brother, but the suction was just too strong. Too strong. Dark, skinny arms reached out of the galaxy and wrapped around Al. The demons of Hell were upon him. He wasn't strong enough, said Ed. Just wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry. Then they took him. _

_"BROTHER!"_

_Ed could feel the grips of the demons now, black and dripping with blood. They wanted him now, wanted to make him pay for his defiance. They snaked around his right arm, black matter consuming it. They ripped it clean right off, snapped it like a twig. Edward screamed in merciless pain, feeling as the blood and entrails spicketed out and was sucked into that galaxy._

_Suddenly, the agony stopped, and Ed was in a white field. Nothing but white. _

_Purgatory. He was standing in front of a stark gate, could here the voices of a thousand lives, a thousand worlds rush into his face. Was this heaven? Death? It creaked open, spewing out a great light that stung his eyes._

_Come into the light, said a voice._

_He heard it right in his mind_

_Come into the light, and see your destiny._

_Ed walked towards it, and reached out. He saw it. He screamed in torment. It was worse than death._

He woke up in a rush, asphyxiating in short gasps. He was back in the room, with the moonlight swimming inwards, painting his face with its ghostly glow. He had this dream before, many times, starting in childhood, but it was _never_ like this. Was he going insane, or was it him at a different time, different place eons from here? His right arm still hurt.

In the shadows, grandma was watching. Her eyes were sharp with revelation of a great truth. The truth behind truths. She knew it was happening.

"It seems that he is seeing now. It will come to pass soon."

She melted back into the shadows, to speak with the cosmic energy.


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter 10_

Okay, enough talk. Time for the villains to come. Morning broke through the windows as the Elric family and their guests awoke from their sleep to eat a hearty breakfast. Toast with jelly and butter, eggs, bacon, pancakes, and orange juice. Everyone was eating when Ed came in, looking haggard. He slumped in his chair.

"Mornin' dear. Well, you're looking tired."

"Ain't sleep well last night. Had that dream again. And my right arm hurts."

"Again? Well, I know what will clear that up! Some nice toast, spread with some sweet jelly."

'I'd like to spread some jelly on you an' eat you up, Winry."

He actually did, right on her lips. He licked it up like a sly cat and both started to just smear it all over their faces. Soon, they were both kissing like dogs in heat.

"Mommy and daddy are makin' babies again!" said one mini-Ed.

"No sex in the champagne room! Nixon is don' watching us!" said grandma.

That display of sexual activity was halted by a bell ring that shattered through the air. The Elrics stood up, with fear in their eyes. The townspeople dropped their activities and ran in their houses, like Death was streaming down.

"Oh no!" cried Winry. "Not today."

Izumi swung open the door and ran in. She quickly grabbed the two agents.

"Quick, come with me! In the church!"

"Why? What is going on?" asked Riza.

"They're coming! Now, on all days!"

Far and off from the town, a black carriage was riding through the desert sand, pulled by six black horses. It was like a ghost gliding in the air, bringing with it a thousand skulls each filled with souls being torched, sucking up anyone that dared to stand near its path. Inside of it, the carriers of Death were waiting to lick blood.

The black carriage hauled through the gates and ceased its dismal trek with a mighty halt. The horses neighed and shot wildly, barring their teeth. They had red, glowing eyes, and fire that torched from their great nostrils. The door _creeeeeeeked _open, an abyss ceasing all light. A cowboy boot reached out and stamped on the ground. The folks gasped, with women fainting and men shaking.

Then they came. A tall, dark man with sunglasses. A person with palm-tree like hair reaching down. A hefty goliath with long, aping arms. A sultry woman with hair covering one eye. Another woman, with kind, gentle eyes. And a little boy with strange extremities.

"Oh Lord," squealed one old man. "It's the Clayton gang!"

The Clayton gang was the _worst_, most destructive group of outlaws that roomed the 19th century. They always clothed in black, not because they mourned the loss of their victims, but because they saw themselves as _Death_ itself. Seven shadowy and arcane figures, each together for the purposes of chaos.

Eric "the Boss" Clayton. He was a ringleader of the gang, and the most wanted man in America. He had been number one in the eyes of the law for _eleven_ years, wanted for murder, rape, robbery, petty theft, grand larceny, simple assault, indecent assault, child pornography, lewd conduct, arson, acts of terrorism, destruction of government property, treason, public nudity, engaging in prostitution, witness intimidation, tampering of evidence, lying under oath, littering, and 392 unpaid parking tickets. He was known for his love of booze, women, and especially money. For that, the cops deemed him _Greed._

Thomas "Fatman" Caines. Four hundred and fifty-five pounds of fat, with enough muscle to back it all up. He had been known to steal his victim's food before he crushed them to death, and then ate their bodies. Once, he consumed twelve cows and starved a whole family to death. He was known as _Gluttony._

Hazel "Pretty Girl" Smith. She was once the East Coast's most famous prostitute and porn star, but there was a price for her goods. Her nails were tipped with foot long steel blades, and these blades were covered with cobra venom. She used her wicked charms to rope in the victims, then ripped them to shreds. She was known as _Lust._

Mark "China Man" Cooper. He (or she, or it) was once the son of an American diplomat that was working in China. Cooper studied the ancient martial arts for years while he stayed there, became corrupted by the power he attained, and snapped the neck of his father when they got back, jealous of his other child, a straight and narrow politician. Then he side-kicked the guy in the chest so hard that his lungs were crushed.

For that, he was known as _Envy._

Sarah "Harvard" Seeger. Now she was an oddity. No one really knew her past or where she came from, but as her nickname suggested, she attended Harvard, studying abnormal psychology and sociology. While there, she studied the personality of Greed as part of her dissertation, and took off with him for no apparent reason. Despite her kindly demeanor, she was skilled with two whips that she wielded. All the others names were taken, so she known as _Sloth._

Johnny "the Kid." Now this was the saddest story. Johnny was an orphan that roamed the streets of New York, subsiding on garbage and table scraps. He was bounced from orphanage to orphanage, but no one wanted him because of the discoloration of his left leg and the two different colors of his eyes. So he grew to hate and distrust mankind, attacking anyone that approached him, everyone accept Sloth, who picked him up and treated him like a son. Because of rage, he was known as _Wrath._

Okay, enough backstory. This isn't VH1. Greed stood smiling with his sunglasses gleaming.

"Okay, cows. Its time to pay up! Payment time! Payment time!"

"Can I go and eat some food, Lust?" asked Gluttony, licking his chops.

"Of course you can."

He got giddy as a schoolgirl, and ran into the homes, kicking down doors and grabbing the food from the pantries. People who stood in his way were quickly devoured by his ever-expanding mouth. No obstruction they threw at him could penetrate his thick blubber. It was too much!

Lust walked over to an old man rocking in his chair, holding a shotgun, waiting to blow her away.

"Keep away whore, or I'll pull the trigger!"

She just tilted the barrel away from her and rested her mountainous cleavage on top of the man's chest. He could feel the weight of the breasts as they rubbed against him, so soft and warm.

"Now you wouldn't shoot a little girl like me, would you?"

Her voice just melted the old timer away. If only his morning wood could work, but just then, the breasts shifted and knocked over a pot of coffee in his lap, burning him massively. He actually caught on fire and was running around as his son came running out the door with a knife in hand, ready to decapitate Lust's head. She merely stepped out the way and gashed him in the face, with blood spewing out in ribbons. It wasn't the cuts that killed me but the venom, as he seizured over and foamed at the mouth. Then, he little dance was done.

"Gimme your money!" demanded Wrath angrily. He held his hand out to female forty-something.

"Bite me, brat!"

That gave him an evil smile.

"Okay."

He pounced up and bit her right in the ear, _a la _Mike Tyson style. He forced his head back so forcefully that her entire face _ripped off, _showing the muscles underneath.

As she screamed in agony, Wrath spit the skin to the ground and smiled innocently at Sloth. Oh wait, that's what he had! _Steel teeth!_

"That's my boy," she said, patting him on the head.

Envy was busying fighting with six indignant men. They surrounded and rushed him at once. He rushed towards the two front men, leaping up, wrapping his legs around their necks, and snapping them like twigs. They didn't even see him, the four others, flip over them. All they felt was a woosh of air, and then a break of the neck, a rupture of a kidney, two lines of arteries broken at the base of the neck. Envy did all that. They felt nothing but the embrace of life's end. And he was still rapid enough to dodge a bullet from a Remington, could here the trigger squeeze. Kicked that guy in the back so heavily that he went sliding on the ground ten feet and crashed through a wooden door. The footprint was still embedded in the back.

The Clayton gang ransacked everything of value, which wasn't much. Greed was just happy he grabbed some porno pictures. Gluttony was sucking the milk out of a cow's utters. Tom Green would be proud. He sucked so much that the bovine became emaciated and died. Then they kicked down the Elric's door. The children were huddled close to their parents and Al, mostly crying. Grandma was dead as a doornail.

"If it isn't shorty man Ed," said Greed. You know what came next.

"I ain't short! Just compact."

The gang was walking around the dingy shack, looking for something to steal.

"Go away!" demanded Al. "You're not welcome here."

"Too bad. We came to collect a due from Mr. Elric. Seems that he's been behind."

Greed placed an arm around Ed, all buddy like. Ed didn't take the compliment.

"I told you. Money's been tight around lately, since mom died."

"Oh yeah," Envy said, matter-of-factly. "That fatass died a few years ago, I heard."

"Don't you talk about her like that!"

Envy spun around and landed a kick in Ed's stomach, which forced him to the ground. The family reacted in sorrow, their pain amplified by his. He coughed a little as Lust walked over in mock pity.

"Ah, poor little Elric. Can't even scrap two pennies together for his family. What is he every doing to do?"

She bent over and held Ed by his chin. He had a bird's eye view of that great rack of lamb, and was hypnotized, drooling. For a two whole minutes.

"Huh? Wa? What did ya say?"

Envy kicked over Lust like a tree and took her place.

"Listen Elric, you owe us big this time. But if you have no money, then I guess we'll take the next best thing."

He walked over to Winry and the children and looked them over. They held close to their mother.

"Scary palm-tree lady!" said one kid.

Greed bust out laughing.

"HA! HA! He said lady. Its funny 'cause you're a freak!"

"_Why does everyone get that confused?_"

"Cause your ugly," said Gluttony in the window.

"You shut up, fatty!"

Wrath was examining the perfect family.

"I always wanted a little brother or sister, so I could torture them! Or maybe I can have _two_ mommies!"

He looked at Winry with a smile.

"Then they'd be lesbos," cracked Greed. "It's a funny word."

"I believe that the correct terminology is _lesbian_," exclaimed Sloth.

"I believe that the correct terminology is _shut the hell up_!"

"We don't talk like that in this home!" Winry snapped, standing up.

" _'We don't talk like that in this home!' _Was I talking to you? Although, I like my women wild."

He was prancing around Winry, sniffing her hair.

"I think I'll have another trophy wife."

"Made of gold or silver?" asked Gluttony outside, carrying a calf.

"Go away."

Suddenly, the Greed was caught in the mouth by a right swing belonging to Ed's arm! He staggered back and regained his balance, blood trickling down his chin.

"Don't you touch my wife!"

That was answered by a hook kick to the head given by Envy. Elric spun through the air and land on the floor hard. That was followed by a kick to the back that sent him through the wall, in the kitchen, and crashing into the stove. Dazed out.

"Cause when you mess with Greed, you gonna bleed, sucka'!"

"Daddy!"

"Brother!"

"Edward!"

Her wrist was caught by Greed, and he twisted it hard.

"Ow! Let go!"

He got out the special. A Magnum .357 revolver, _Dirty Harry_ style. The nozzle was a full five inches long! He knocked her out cold with the handle, and hoistered her up on his shoulders.

"Time to go!"

The Clayton gang all rushed out, with Al tagging behind. Gluttony blocked his path and bear-hugged him, still carrying that calf.

"Let go of me, ya' big galoot!"

"Certainly."

He body-slammed Al through the floor, then headed out the door. Before he did, he grabbed the entire breakfast table.

_"Yoink!"_

They all climbed in the unearthly carriage, with Gluttony hog-tying that calf on the roof. As it rode off, Ed was regaining consciousness when he realized.

"Oh no, Winry!"

"Daddy, they got her!"

He jumped right out the window and was hustling as fast as his legs could carry, towards a horse. He knew he couldn't catch that thing on foot, c'mon now! The animal galloped quickly under the anger of Elric, right behind the carriage. The Clayton gang was laughing when they heard Gluttony's voice.

"Hey, shorty Ed's followin' us!"

"Can't that kid take a hint?" asked Lust.

"I got the equalizer!" said Greed, as he lit some dynamite. He tossed it out the window as Ed was just getting closer. He saw the lethal package speed right at him, and yanked the horse back as hard as he could. The explosive combusted in mid-air, forcing Ed backwards and landing him lethally onto the ground, crackling two ribs. He was lucky. The beast's underside caught most of the blast, blowing a hole in it. Elric sat up, wincing in pain, as he watched the carriage stretch off into the heat.

"Winry"

His tears wetted the sand.


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11_

Riza and Maes came running out of the church as the settlement recovered from the plunder, dead bodies laying everywhere. They were met by the children running towards them in tearfulness.

"What happen, kids?" asked Riza.

"The mean people took away mommy!" cried one mini-Winry.

"What! Who?"

A group of people were carrying the injured Ed, bleeding and holding his side.

"It was the Clayton gang! They came in and took that poor girl!" said a woeful elderly woman.

"I tried… I tried…" Ed could barely talk.

"Sit down and rest."

Maes grabbed a horse, as did Riza. No more jokes for him.

"Let's go, Hawkeye."

In the carriage, Winry was coming to as the gang looked over the loot. Gluttony popped in holding a bloody calf leg.

"Want some, anybody?"

They just backed away.

"Where I am? What happened to Ed?"

"Oh, Ed's fine," said Greed. "All twenty thousand pieces of him."

The gang chuckled evilly as Winry buried her head in her hands.

"Boo-freaking-hoo," said Envy.

"Can I eat his pieces?" Fatman wanted to jump off.

They had three identical carriages trailing behind them, carrying everything they took. Lookouts were sitting on top, playing cards, when they saw the agents coming up.

"Look!"

They readied their weapons and started firing like mad, but they weren't very accurate, as the agent's horses were swerving back and forth, side to side at mangled angles. A way to dodge the bullets. You know the henchmen can't fire straight. Hawkeye, on the other hand, hit every target with a pump shotgun. She fired, spun it around to reload, and fired again. Men fell off like fleas, either hitting the ground or getting trampled by the horses.

"My turn."

Maes took this moment to ride up to the rear-most carriage driver, just as he was grabbing a gun. Maes chopped his hand off with a dagger and stabbed him in the chest, then threw a _suriken_ at the passenger. With no one to steer the horses, the carriage quickly went out of control, and crashed into a rock wall that Hughes narrowly dodged.

The gang heard the gunshots and looked outside at the attack.

"Hawkeye Jane and Bill the Blade?" asked Envy. "What the hell are _they _doing here?"

"Yeah!" shouted Winry.

Greed started to smirk dastardly.

"They won't be around for long."

He opened the skylight door and climbed on top.

"Boss? What..?"

He pushed them off harshly and sat down, whipping out a set of those .357s. The guys behind them were whooping like cheerleaders.

"Get 'em, Clayton!"

Oh, were they surprised. He just fired off those pistols wildly at the horses, chunks of flesh flying off. An entire head was split in two. The beasts buckled under, dragged onto the ground, and hit a half-buried boulder, flipping it up and onto its top!

The henchmen were crushed to death.

"I love these guns!"

"Holy shit!"

"Look out!"

"Whoa!"

The carriage in the middle couldn't stop in time. It smashed into the remnants and bombed into shards just as the agents were riding up to it. They dodged it right in the nick of time, as wooden missiles were shooting out everywhere, one right at Maes!

"Look out!"

He unsheathed the _katana _and sliced it clean in half, breathing a sign of relief. Greed was furious when they emerged from the dust.

"They just keep comin'!" he said as he climbed back in.

"Then throw some stuff out!" yelled Envy.

"No stuff! No stuff!" Greed held on to that crap like a woman.

Wrath grabbed Winry.

"No woman! No woman!"

Then they all looked up.

"Gluttony!" In unison.

They chucked the calf off the roof, as Gluttony wept like a baby. It still didn't stop them. So, they heaved out a bag full of dynamite, lit one, and threw it out. It hit the ground and exploded in a powerful burst, right in Riza's path. She jumped off the horse and was grabbed by Hughes, who then hoisted her up.

"Thanks."

"Its what I do."

"Take a shortcut on the left of this rock ridge."

"What?"

"Do it."

He followed suit hesitantly, and rode behind it. They're escape was blocked by the explosion, so the gang lost their whereabouts.

"I think they're gone," said Gluttony.

"And up ahead is the train," Lust pointed.

The carriage stopped as they all sprinted towards the locomotive, which was also black. Winry was carried by Gluttony, beating wildly on his fat.

"Put me down!"

"My fat blocks all!"

The train whistled to life and chugged slowly, gaining speed down the tracks. Meanwhile, the two agents crossed the tracks as the smoke from the tower was smoking out.

"Oh, I see," said Hughes.

"Told you."

They rode behind another ledge and stopped in front of a boulder cut at an odd 45 degree angle. They ran on top of it as the train sped by and jumped off, landing solidly on the train's roof. They ran downwind towards a band of henchmen waiting. Riza took the initiate, dropped down, and started to fire off those rounds. Maes leapt over her and kicked down a couple of the guys, then unleashed the _katana. _He sliced one foe, spun, stabbed another, slashed up, and sliced a head off. Shots were being fired, so he used some human shields, and threw some _shurikens_, all hitting some flesh.

"I got a surprise."

Hughes pulled out what looked like an ordinary tether line, but on the end, was a four-bladed star. He swung that thing around in a chain-like fashion, faster and faster.

"Now, watch this."

He launched that line out and hit one assailant clear in the eye, then retracted and twirled around, launching it again, slitting some throats along the way. In and out. In and out. The line managed around a neck, chocking the victim. Instead of a slow, painful way out, the blade was pulled back with such force that the head ripped back like a Pez dispenser, except the trachea came out and not candy.

"Looks like you're having fun," Hawkeye cried out.

"I feel like a kid at a candy store!"

He wouldn't feel anything with that tunnel coming. And with the guy behind him wielding a hatchet. He saw the shadow behind him and ran towards ax man.

"Mighty, mighty, jump!"

He kicked the guy forward just as Maes fell on his back. Ax man smashed into the wall and fell onto the tracks. As the tunnel rushed over them and out of sight, Maes and Riza both jumped off at opposite ends, swung through the glass, and sandwiched two thugs just as they were walking past. Footsteps could be heard clopping down the aisle.

"Hey you!"

Maes held out hid arm: "Ladies first!"

Hawkeye fired a shot that tore through three men, then swung a cabin door outwards and into a face, which she then shot. _Redundant, much? _Meas was taking care of the forces at the rear, hacking and stabbing like an insane butcher. He had himself an axe he grabbed from one guy and flung it right in a man's leg. A henchman drove at him when…he pulled out a picture of his daughter?

"See my little girl?"

"Awww, so cute!"

He threw that guy out the window.

"Send me some flowers, okay?"

Out of all this time, the Clayton gang didn't hear a word. Gluttony was playing a phonograph of some farting sounds (don't ask). Greed, Envy, and Sloth were playing poker, while Wrath was cutting wood.

"What are you making?" asked Lust.

"My bad eye gives me the power to look into the future. Sometimes, I cut what I see."

Yeah, let's see. He had Roy getting mauled by a bear, Jean Havoc in a respirator, evil Lincoln with a chain saw, a mushroom cloud, JFK at the grassy knoll, and George W. Bush with a shotgun. Oh what fun. That fun was shattered when the guard standing at the door got his stomach blown out. Who walked in but Riza and Maes, glowing like angels.

" I knew you'd come to rescue me!"

Winry was tied up, finally.

"No they didn't," said Greed. "They came to die."

The battle began, with Maes jumping in and smashing into Greed, Lust and Envy dog-pile style. Envy kicked him in the face, as the momentum from it rolled Hughes back and on his feet. Greed fired at him with the .357s, which made Hughes dive for cover underneath a pool table. The claws of Lust shot through the wood, and she rolled it over, only for Hughes to kick her in the ankles and topple her over. He got back up and started jabbing that sword at Envy, but the wily freak pivoted past every stroke and swing. He twisted the blade when the fighter jumped up and deflected off of the roof. He caught the blade with his palms and kicked Maes into a chair. Family man rolled backwards and fired two knives, which Envy blocked with the sword. The trusty tether line wrapped around the blade, and Maes tugged, forcing Envy forward, right into a fist.

He had them by the ropes.

Riza had the upper hand as well. Gluttony ran over to crush her, but she just moved out the way, and tripped him up, making him crash into Wrath, whom was coming from behind. A whip ropped around her neck, chocking her. In response, Hawkeye shot that whip in half, forcing Sloth back. Wrath leapt up, mouth wide open, ready to bite down on the gunslinger's throat. She just kicked him like football, and then he bashed in Gluttony. He accidentally chomped down on the fat one's crotch.

"Youch, my balls!"

Sloth was wrapping things around a desk with her whip and flinging them out like rockets, big things like the lamp, pen knife, clock, etc. Hawkeye shot those projectiles in target-practice fashion, then booted the desk onto her waist, squeezing her diaphragm. Wrath ran over to help his "mommy", but Riza grabbed him by the ankles and smashed him through the desk.

In short, the gang was losing pretty badly, so they had a radical idea. Why not switch places and attack in a different way? Yes, common sense was low. Greed approached Riza, whom responded by firing off. Unbeknownst to her, he had a steel plate nestled onto his chest, so the bullets just cracked off. With her main assets down, Envy came in for the kill, kicking the heroine hard in the ribs as Sloth wrapped her wrists up with the whips. Simultaneously, Hughes' daggers just bounced off Gluttony. His fat is where it's at! Wrath intercepted at our hero's left side, so he tossed a _suriken_. The boy caught it in his mouth, chewed it up, and spit it out!

"I need my iron!" Bad, that was bad.

Lust was slashing at the man wildly with claws, as Hughes was stepping backwards to dodge. He almost stumbled over an ottoman as Wrath, came up from behind and gorged right into his right leg!

"Ouch. Get off!"

He socked the kid in the face, right off the flesh. The pain shot up his nerves as the killing blow came speeding. Lust thrusted the claws into Maes' chest!

"No!" cried Winry.

He yelped out in agony, a smirk on the whore's face appearing. But another surprise. The claws would not penetrate! Ames opened his dress shirt to reveal a metal covering that protected his torso! The agents both had them, a precursor to the bullet-proof vest. Paid by tax dollars of course. Even if anyone found out, they wouldn't care.

He faked them out real good. Unfortunately, he was knocked out by Gluttony's huge forearm.

"Maes!"

The cry from Hawkeye was answered by Envy's kick in the face, which rendered her down for the count. So now the Clayton gang won, carrying out Winry, still tied, to the chair, as a consolation prize. They locked the car door shut behind them as they made their way to the front engine room. The train was now trailing to top of a bridge that connected two cliff sides, a river running hundreds of feet below. The conductor was surprised when the bandits came barreling in.

"We need to go faster!" yelled Envy.

"But sir, we can't accelerate. We don't have enough fuel."

Greed picked him up and threw him into the smoking fire pit. The conductor was incinerated into a crisp.

"Moving now, isn't it?"

The gang roared with laughter as Gluttony hobbled down and pulled the lever on one of the train's connecting mechanisms (you know, those big clamps?), releasing the car that Meas and Riza were still knocked out in. The metal snake slowed to a halt on the bridge, as that bag of dynamite returned, Greed carrying it like Santa. He lit the entire bagful, then tossed them onto the tracks! When the flame ate the whisks down to the red sticks' core, a blossom of light, sound, and combustion spewed out. The explosion was so powerful that the front end of the rested part of the locomotive tore into pieces, peeling in two. The bridge buckled and sagged under the great force as the vehicle careened on it's side and bellowed to the depths below. The spine smashed onto the rocks and the river, smoke hissing out. Winry couldn't bear to watch as her saviors met their fiery end. She covered her lovely face and wept in despair. She realized that she would never see her family again.

"Happy landings!"

"Can I eat their bodies?"

"That bastard broke my nail!"

"I gotta pee."

"Now you'll be my mommy forever! And your stupid family will burn in Hell forever!"

Greed laughed.

"He cursed. That's funny. Let's go get some pie."


End file.
